Hulk vs The Incredible Hulk · 140 days ago

Jennifer Connely the movie vs Liv Tyler the movie. Better yet, who could calm down Hulk quicker in a giant green penis eating contest? In this review we take a traditional comic book nerd stance against two of Marvel’s most successful films, and try to figure out ultimately what might happen in the Hulk tried to have sex with scientist Betty. The results might amaze you. Hulk (2003) was a highly decorated film nominated for 8 Academy Awards (i hear those are worth like tens of dollars). With a lineup of Danny Elfman, Jennifer Connely, Jennifer Connely and Jennifer Connely. This movie can seemingly not lose. Then five years later a much more pragmatic take, the Incredible Hulk (2008) raised the bar for comic book films yet again, with a dynamic story arc reminiscent of the first but clearly standing free of aesthetic style and even physics of the first. Stay with me.

Hulk (2003)

In this movie scientist Dr. Bruce Kirschner or something (Eric Bana), leads a team of contracted pioneer scientists in NOT battlefield applications, but “practical” applications of a special artificial enzyme called “nanomedz”. Nanomeds are stupid, and nobody thought that through, but it sounded really cool at one time…ok moving on. His girlfriend and co-scientist and super fucking sexy Jennifer Connely um, Betty, struggle to meet a deadline to prove to their constituates that their petmedz can help heal lizards and goats and shit, i dunno. They are doing science stuff and computer images are flashing and shit goes down and of course, Bruce Kirschner or whatever his name is, rushes in to help and for some reason feels compelled to take the brunt of the gamma rays to try and save his buddy, who doesnt even thank him. His friend and several other so-called friends kindof float in and out of the first half hour of the picture doing sciency stuff that my buddy Brian probably knows all about but i have no idea…but it looks way cool.

Bruce somehow survives the accident, somehow the petmedz worked and they helped heal him, even though fucking sexy Dr. Betty cries and shes like “but they have killed everything we used them on” or something, damn she’s stupid, i love it. For a scientist, Dr. Science lady walks REALLY REALLY slow. She also wears high heels at the lab which is cool too, come to think about it she really isnt essential to this part of the story whatsoever, anywho. Eventually we discover that Bruce Kirschner is actually the JANITORS SON! (Nick Nolte) David Banner reveals himself. He’s been sifting his once adopted sons trash and trying to recreate his work at home on poodles and pitbulls using a bong and a broken glowstick. It worked tho, you gotta hand it to him he’s a crazy ol bastard.

^{Eric Bana’s eyes get real big in this film and he makes these awesome pouty face, angry face, pouty face, angry face excersizes (see below)}

to save another paragraph lets just say Nick Nolte plays a great Nick Nolte and Sam Elliot plays a good Sam Elliot, eventually maybe or maybe not gets killed by Hulk, no spoilers in this bitch yet. Hulk is a good interpretation of the comics, but not only that, a good enterpretation of comic book graphic styles in general. Whats really unique about Hulk is that it explores the character of Hulk as a psychic being, something only few comic writers bothered exploring, but Ang Lee was able to communicate volumes in a single dream sequence quite effectively. The patchwork of the story is pretty sad, evident when the Hulk starts dreaming and in the dream is David Banner. Its not meant to make sense really, and its a pretty easy story with rather simple characters, and the film makers really managed not to fuck with a good thing when they made this one.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

This film takes place in a separate reality from the first, but 3-5 years later from the timeline indicated in the first film. In this film Bruce Banner (Ed Norton) has escaped Betty’s Dad, General Ross, and fleed to Brazil where he works in a bottling company. We quickly see some foreshadowing as Bruce sits during the opening credits in Jui-Jitsu class, trying some breathing excersizes, monitoring his heart rate. He communicates with an anonymous “Mr. Blue” on the interweb, trying to find a cure for his gamma radiation problem (which we know very little about), under the alias “Mr. Green” get ready because this film is chuck full of Hulk anecdotes, everything from the “Youre making me angry” puns to the stretchy pants physical comedy, the rule is as follows: if it doesnt cost money, we’ll put it in the film. Ross tracks him down after some of his blood falls in a soda pop (gross and Stan Lee drinks it) they dont bother explaining how they are able to track him down from the soda, but Liv Tyler is in this and, per my opinion, her breasts are immaculate butterface reminds me of Steven “Burnt Lips” Tyler. I’m shallow, moving on.

Ross forms a special team of disposal army guys to go in and get their asses kicked by Bruce Banner because he’s old and incompetent and Ahab-esque. All he wants to do is to use more of Bruce Banner’s soda pop blood to create an army of indestructable angry killers. Thats all. But Bruce is bein stingy and makes his way back to the US to try and cure himself, and in the process runs in to his old lab partner sexy as hell Betty herself. Much more is explored between said lovers, and Bruce Even tries to insert weiner here but retracts when his weiner alarm reaches critical levels. What a dumbass, split her in half she’ll dig it! I kid I kid. But no really it would be a one-time dream come true before she drowned in green goo 45 seconds later.

So to save another paragraph, Tim Roth plays the predecessor to Abomination, melo-ridiculously over ambitious Emyl Bronski, one of Hulk’s lamer adversaries. Bringing the only glimmer of respectable acting in the film, but consequently spends as much time being animated, and far less present, than Edward Norton, Roth gets an A+ in special Ed (see Liev Schriber in XMen Origins: Wolverine, for parallels). He also brings to the table a posture and upper build like a jewish boy with skoliosis, even after spraypaint is applied. I will venture to say they could not have casted a better actor for such a terrible role. I take it back. If they wouldve casted Ian McKellan as Ed Bronski then it would have been what i just said.

The Truth about Jennifer Connely being so fucking sexy

Why couldnt Eric Bana hulk try that same funky biznass with Jennifer Connely Betty? Eric Bana hulk was actually cattle prodded and punched in the face by wormy army guy Talbot to the point of unconsciousness, and Eric Bana Hulk just refuses to change. Ed Norton Hulk takes 22 hour naps because he’s so scared he might raise his heart levels. Theres alot that goes on to a character when one comic book writer takes on the mantle of another writer, certain implications exist and you have to be sensitive to those. While its understandable that certain concepts are fun to tweak and/or even destroy, there are certain qualities we already expect from the comic book or cartoon hulk. In this regard, both movies are only slightly guilty of said liberties, and notably so for us comic book nerds.

Eric Bana Hulk recieved a genetic mutation from his father, a result of testing the same dangerous gamma radiation experiments 30 years earlier on himself. Not until he is injected with the Nanomedz is his power realized. The unique ability to absorb gamma rays allows his petmedz to become active without killing him. Edward Norton Hulk may or may not be trying to cure this same aforementioned “nanomedz” but instead trying to cure himself of the mutation his father gave him maybe? Neither film does a good job of going beyond the “lab experiment gone wrong” superhero scenario. And so what? Its supposed to be Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.

Speaking of which, Eric Bana Hulk portrays a much deeper, more complicated “Hulk scenario” in which it is explained by nurse hot as fuck that the nanomedz are causing the transformation as a result of trying to heal “emotional” scars. While making little or no sense its an interesting twist, and a noble but failed attempt at transfering a difficult comic book concept onto the screen. Similar failed attempts occur in Edward Norton’s Hulk, as Bruce Banner tries ever cheesily to walk the streets a lone walker man, hiding his face behind a baseball cap. I’ve seen good films with Ed Norton but he’s just too pretty to pull this off. The kindof grimey street walking scientist Bruce Banner turns into comes off as a spoiled, paranoid tourist at best, and just has too much energy and not enough cool.

Eric Bana Hulk has several levels of angriness: pissed, pissed off, and whoa that dude is so pissed. Each time he gets angrier he grows by another 50% or so, and seems to have more and more power in every imagineable way. This fulfills the fundamental Hulk theology in which the only way to beat him is to stop pissing him off. Ed Norton Hulk better fulfills the Mr. Hyde theory in the sense that Banner does NOT enjoy the transformation, and wants to destroy it altogether, becoming his own worst enemy. This is in opposition to the Eric Bana Hulk, which hates the transformation but loves the feeling of power, which satisfies a very abstract but still psychological presense.

While the dogma might be fundamentally different, the stories run along side eachother quite well, in a circle that leads nowhere fast. In both films the Hulk finds himself a god in a world where the only person who can stop him is his girlfriend, and this is where the audience can feel the psychology, the so called turmoil. Kudos to Eric Bana for giving it a good run with the tortured damaged scientist smartass. Whereas Edward Norton pretty much just…plays a good Edward Norton. After two films its hard to expect anything more than some elastic Eric Bana faces or Ed Norton casuality, and certainly some disposable badguy that flickers in and out of the story, from the next.

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Concordance · 146 days ago

1h86335

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=520

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-5063-music-local-cd-revue-death-by-salt-vol-4.html

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-4383-being-will-sartain.html

http://www.last.fm/music/1h86335

http://www.myspace.com/1h86335

http://www.myspace.com/1heart6335

http://media.switchpod.com/users/circus/iheart6335.mp3

http://www.amazon.com/Exumbrella-Records-Advertisement-No-1/dp/B000QQZVES

http://www.deathbysalt.com/

A Balance of Power

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-7287-music-gargling-satan%C3%A2%E2%82%AC%E2%84%A2s-babies-slcs-a-balance-of-power-preps-for-the-big-time.html

http://www.myspace.com/balanceofpower01

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8WbGmgZH24

Afro Omega

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-7348-music-own-love-slc%C3%A2%E2%82%AC%E2%84%A2s-afro-omega-make-it-look-easy.html

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=6785803

http://www.myspace.com/afroomega

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Afro-Omega/119069741207

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3CGTmadg-s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hznn6IWQdpw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkqFCP5LLBU&feature=player_embedded

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/afroomega

http://twitter.com/AfroOmega

Anthony Vanvranken

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=120

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-4756-cd-revue.html

http://www.last.fm/music/a.vanvranken/+tracks

http://www.last.fm/music/+noredirect/pelpp+and+a.vanvranken/+tracks

http://www.myspace.com/avanvranken

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teVTh8XpQFo&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycGSZyrgCjM&feature=player_embedded

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/slugmag2

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/avanvranken2

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/avanvranken3

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/avanvranken

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blog-1402-a-vanvraken-cosm.html

A O D L

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=366

http://euc.cx/aodl/

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=405

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=346

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-5063-music-local-cd-revue-death-by-salt-vol-4.html

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-4720-local-cd-revue.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0kyACNrimE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W8M3J6fj3M

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-5063-music-local-cd-revue-death-by-salt-vol-4.html

http://www.cdbaby.com/Search/YW9kbA%3d%3d/0

http://redlightslc.com/Red%20Light%20Sound.html

http://www.archive.org/details/rive048

http://euc.cx/toulouse/archives/2004/01/26/94_the_aodl_way.html

Aye Aye

http://www.myspace.com/ayeaye2

http://www.xmission.com/%7Emjb/astar/music/SlyAye-HigherGround.mp3

http://www.xmission.com/%7Emjb/astar/music/AyeAye-Sarah.mp3

http://www.xmission.com/%7Emjb/astar/music/AyeAye-SourgrapeBlues.mp3

http://www.virb.com/ayeaye

http://slugmag.com/article.php?id=1201&s=undefined

http://forestgospel.blogspot.com/2008/02/aye-aye-saint-delay-and-golden-god.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3dN6OB40OA

http://media.switchpod.com/users/circus/ayeaye.mp3

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-1843-music-local-cd-revue-aye-aye-lionfish-the-upstarts.html

http://cityweeklymusic.blogspot.com/2009/02/cwma-showcase-woodshed.html

http://www.archive.org/details/MichaelBiggsAyeAyebandinNorthSaltLakebackyard

Band of Annuals

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1509

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1277

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1250

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=831

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1758

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-6872-music-honor-roll-your-guide-to-the-city-weekly-music-awards-top-30.html

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-6799-2009-city-weekly-music-awards.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv7GZME26fg&feature=player_embedded

http://www.inthisweek.com/view.php?id=310629

http://www.facebook.com/business/dashboard/#/pages/Band-of-Annuals/8851402887

http://www.myspace.com/bandofannuals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJxrj_dgznY&feature=player_embedded

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=18039868

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrH1laNhGCU&feature=player_embedded

http://archives.nodepression.com/2008/05/space-in-numbers/

http://archives.nodepression.com/2008/10/band-of-annuals/

http://inyourspeakers.com/content/interview-band-annuals

http://bandofannuals.blogspot.com/

http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/BandofAnnuals

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/annuals2

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/annuals4

http://twitter.com/bandofannuals

http://www.last.fm/music/Band+of+Annuals

http://www.bandofannuals.com

Blackhole

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=915

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=678

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=554

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-6872-music-honor-roll-your-guide-to-the-city-weekly-music-awards-top-30.html

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-4322-low-riders.html

http://www.myspace.com/myblackhole

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Points of Interest · 165 days ago

Welcome to Salty Town

Here is the article which explains the ghetto ass map i created which serves as a sort of geographic representation of how we perceive as a network of business’, patrons, and musicians a snapshot of this day in 2009. This is a bit overly specific, but it usefully highlights a few persons, places, or things in Salt Lake that we figure makes up what might constitute a “music scene.” Notably, the situation of music in this region changes day by day and can be interpreted in different ways, so its expected to receive updates at least once a year, preferrably in the fall.

Snapshot: 9-26-09

View Salt Lake Music in a larger map

At the bottom you’ll find a link to download the map of the Salt Lake Valley with corresponding “points of interest” laid out. For the sake of the article, we are defining points of interest as places musicians would find useful in some way. If you’d rather simply navigate the links we included (which are also highlighted on the map), more power to you. Each point of interest has traits identifiable by icons listed in the next paragraph. The Salty Town map, and these icons were made in like five minutes, so back the fuck off Michealangelo. If you find a way to make it better click the contact button Cheech. ~~You dont see you beloved links here yet because I havent uploaded them, but rest assured they will be so awesome when i do. They overshot us R2, buzz droids!~~

Otherwise, enjoy these links categorized with their own set of cool icons you might find amazing. If you are tempted to eat your screen because of the badass graphics you are about to see please resist, get back on track. Stay with me Wedge.~~Again, you dont see these links because i havent uploaded them yet. Whats wrong with me? Cant i do anything right? Maybe by tonight. Coo?~~

Venues

New Song Underground 859 s. 800 e. Salt Lake City UT. 84102
Kilby Court 748 S. Kilby Court, SLC, UT 84101 (801)364-3538
Urban Lounge 241 s. 500 e. Salt Lake City, UT. 84102 (801)746-0557
Liquid Joe’s 1249 E 3300 S, Salt Lake City, UT (801)467-5637
Burt’s Tiki Lounge 726 S State St, Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801)521-0572
Club Vegas 445 s 400 w Salt Lake City, UT. 84101 (801)364-8347
The Woodshed 60 E 800 S, Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801) 364-0805
The Dawg Pound 3550 S State Street, Salt Lake City, UT (801) 261-2337
Five Monkeys 7 E 4800 S Murray, UT 84107 (801)266-1885
The Avalon 3605 South State Street, Salt Lake City, UT (801)266-0258
Slowtrain 221 E Broadway, Salt Lake City, UT (801)364-2611
Nobrow Coffee & Tea 315 e. 300 s. Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801)364-3448
High Point Coffee 1735 w 7800 s West Jordan, UT 84088
Beehive Tea Room 12 w. Broadway Salt Lake City, UT. 84101
Club Edge 615 n 400 w. Salt Lake City, UT. 84103 (801)755-6389
Huka Bar 151 e 6100 s. Murray UT. 84107 (801)281-4852
Hookah Lounge 268 S Main St Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)521-4442
The Depot 400 w South Temple Salt Lake City, UT. 84101 (801)355-5522
Mo’s Bar and Grill 358 S West Temple Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)359-0586
Zanzibar 679 S 200 W, Salt Lake City, UT (801)746-0590
Library Square 210 E 400 S, Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801)524-8200

Other Venues

The Fifth (Bountiful) 980 N 500 W Bountiful, UT 84010 (801)295-9983
Muse (Provo) 151 N University Ave Provo, UT 84601 (801)377-6873
Brewskis (Ogden) 244 25th St Ogden, UT 84401 (801)394-1713
Star Bar (Park City) 268 Main St, Park City, UT 84060 (435) 615-7588

Print

Slug Magazine 351 Pierpont Ave # 4B Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)487-9221
City Weekly 248 S Main St Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)575-7003
In Magazine 4770 S 5600 W Salt Lake City, UT 84118 (801)204-6500

Electronic Publications

The Salt Shaker
Provo Podcast
The Local Landing
Gavin’s Underground
The Awkward Hour

Merchants

Positively 4th Street Music 249 e. 400 s. Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801)531-8181
Graywhale CD 208 S 1300 E Salt Lake City, UT 84102 (801) 583-9626
Mechanized 511 W 200 S # 140 Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)521-5979
Slowtrain 221 E Broadway Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801)364-2611

Communications

KRCL 90.9 1971 W North Temple Salt Lake City, UT 84116 (801)363-1818
KBER 101.1 434 Bearcat Dr Salt Lake City, UT 84115 (801)570-5237
Utah FM.org 380 W 200 S, Suite 101 Salt Lake City, UT 84101 (801)878-0506
PCTV PO Box 2877 Park City, UT 84060 (435)649-0045

Print Version

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Bump Machine · 208 days ago

Bump Machine

The bump machine will help tell you what to think and when to think it. Every two weeks (and/or as needed) a new set of bumps will carry you into a new era of melancholia. If bump machine goes away in six months please preserve your tears in a jar to be used as evidence in a later bump series. To promote your event on the bump machine just get in touch with us on Myspace.com or Facebook. Feedback is appreciated.

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Nolens Volens "Nolens Volens" · 255 days ago

A FUN SUMMER ALBUM

Nolens Volens’ newest party pizza appropriately titled “Nolens Volens”, remains loyal to older stuff while cutting ground with improved methods and tools. The same colorful sort of of sound bits collected for Sound Has Let Us Down, set a starter of paint on the pallette to mix with, creating a beautifully quilted piece of music Americana. Spanish Trumpets on #4, “Mezzokind” each song built upwards from a distinct half or split second anthem. Each song is methodical and easy to enjoy on a primitive level. Long, drawn out crescendos, introductions and finales made it an exciting but not orgasmic listening experience. From the first to last moment: the craftsmanship of composition and live accompaniment, full of moogy, macintosh voiced athleticism, “Nolens Volens” rebuilds faith in an underwater society our fathers dreamed of. Also, if you hold the cd artwork up to a light with the inner cover facing you it looks quite awesome. Elitist Nick Foster and Non Non remixes are complimentary to Andrew Glasset(Nolens Volens) and the album’s overall sonic theme. All of these artists can lift drum beats like weights. Even the cover art is like staring into the sun.

http://www.billygoatdatabase.com/

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Virtual Reality: Virtually Delete Yourself · 560 days ago

Virtual Reality and Artificial Intelligence

Reg Barclay, a popularized character in the popular 90’s science fiction television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, has more than a few neuroticisms which brings his character to life. For one thing, Reg is autistic; he’s socially challenged and unable to communicate verbally with his fellow crew members, impeded consistently by an annoying stutter that even 200 years in the future, medical treatment is apparently unable to fix. Reg is also a low ranking computer programmer, whose idea of an exciting day is staring into a computer screen in a lonely corner of the spaceship’s engineering deck, making little or no contact with the ship’s crew. Finally, in addition to being an overly sensitive recluse, Reg is addicted to a fantasy world he uses to escape reality using a holographic room called the” holodeck,” which is more typically used by crew members to simulate pleasant vacations, whereas Reg uses this computer generated world as a compensator for his many insecurities and personality flaws. It’s no wonder that Reg is addicted, since in this fantasy world Reg can feel the things he so desperately needs in his daily life, he can simply alter reality to whatever he wishes, becoming an important ship’s captain, an outstanding lover, anything he wants. But when it comes time to return to work at his station, Reg has to face the reality as known by the average, run of the mill computer programmer.

During the 1990’s Reg represented a growing public interest in an explosive new technology called Virtual Reality, which is best described as immersive computer generated stimulation where the user is posited in an computer generated world, and provided means to interact with objects in this place. In 1995 a british investor specializing in computer entertainment, foreseeing the awesome increase in public interest in VR dropped millions of dollars in a small firm in Palo Alto, California called Virtuality(II), in hopes to marry the growing technology with the growing multimedia trends portrayed on television and movies (Lawnmower Man (IV), a movie starring Pierce Brosnan depicted VR technology as a medium to unlock psychic powers innate in humans through advanced learning techniques) which would result in major capital gains for those who pioneered such research and development. This, however, proved not to be the case.

Virtuality created a new arcade game in which the user wore a helmet that sent visual images to the user, who could turn their head and see a three dimensional environment, and use a variety of methods to maneuver through the computer generated scenery, typically by leaning forward on a small stationary platform, or using hand-held joysticks. At 30,000 dollars per machine these games were a significant investment for even the most lucrative arcade store owner; the average price passed onto the consumer to play being roughly one to five dollars per minute, access was limited to an older audience with a heftier penchant for video games, and a loftier disposable income than the average arcade-going kid. What Virtuality would quickly discover, is that this sort of audience simply didn’t exist, and that their expensive games were extremely prone to malfunction and required high maintenance, and within two years of their conception, and after releasing less than a dozen titles for their console, including less than popular titles like Pac-Man 3D, Dactylmania, and Alphaworld (the more popular and violent first person shooter game produced which involved two users playing interactively trying to shoot unimpressive enemies like flying eyeballs), Virtuality filed chapter 11. Almost as quickly as the VR trend had appeared, it vanished with nothing but a few crappy video games and an army of broke investors to show for it.

Morton Heilig, had he been alive to witness it, might’ve warned investors against the danger of getting swept away in media trends. Heilig created a similar financial Frankenstein in 1962 called Sensorama, which enabled the user to sit down in an immersive multi sensational experience of riding a motorcycle through the streets of New York City. The user strapped on 3d glasses which supplemented visual immersion, small blowers shot air out at strategic times to give the illusion of feeling accompanied by rumbling handlebars that seemed to react according the cinematography, and even typical motorist odors were emitted by small pumps near the users face. Despite it’s creative innovation, Sensorama, like it’s postern Virtuality, found no audience and quickly died out without making a dime.

Although VR seems to have squelched into nothingness since the 1990’s, headstrong gaming manufacturers continue innovations with multimedia, this time around with a renewed skepticism in consumer appeal. But although VR seems to hit the general public hardest in the form of games, this is only the proverbial “tip of the ice burg,” and although not too many video gamers latched onto the limited appeal of VR, the United States government was quick to solicit those responsible for the growing technology and became extremely willing to fund further research, not in the game medium this time, but in three very diverse applications which are still being used and developed by branches of the Armed Forces and by the National Aeronautics and Space Institute to this day.

The Battlefield Augmented Reality System, or BARS, represents a culmination in virtual reality resulting in all too economical application of the same technology developed by Heilig in 1962. Not to be confused with the more simplified VRBS system which trains green recruits in field combat using the same gaming principles found in flight simulators, the BARS is a system which the Naval Research Laboratory in DC hopes will empower soldiers in a way which will change the entire idea of urban warfare, by equipping them with a transparent heads-up-display which is able to project critical data overtop of tangible objects. A soldier equipped with BARS might be able to see a well-hidden sniper superimposed onto their visual field based on the feedback of from other BARS units, combined with satellite data and other contributing inputs. The BARS prototypes, or at least those that have been declassified dating back as far as 1997, relied on technology that prevented real world application; the ability of the unit to synchronize positions and therefore project images accurately required a finite space, a square room filled with active sensors. New technology has enabled geo-synchronization on an entirely new level, predictably reducing the size of the units to small backpack and a helmet. The advantages a soldier equipped with this backpack include literally seeing through objects that the enemy cannot, never getting lost in mazes of urban rubble by following visual aids which coordinate with instant external inputs, and continuously updating information being fed onto the display such as textual data, maps, and virtually unlimited technical data which requires nothing on the part of the user to obtain. It should be noted that BARS is not fictional, but indeed very real technology which could prove to change the outcome of urban combat in years to come.

Not all perpetual applications of VR are violent in nature. Reg Barclay, the fictional autistic computer programmer we spoke of earlier, designed Holodeck personalities that satisfied higher needs as well. One particular instance proved extremely embarrassing for Reg when the ship’s captain intruded on his romantic holodeck fantasy with the beautiful Counselor Troi. Although we may blush to imagine what the future of virtual reality holds in terms of sexuality, perhaps a day will come when cyber-sex becomes so indistinguishably real that it will influence our arousal in the same addictive manner that it influenced Reg Barclay. Teledildonics is a field of VR in development which is aims to make it’s product economical by limiting it’s personal application to only those who lack a sexual desire, which means almost no adult can fail to see the appeal of virtual sex. “Josey,” a student at the University of Utah, and a member of the Utah chapter of the liberal group AASG, American Artificial Sexuality Group, told the magazine Hustler in a recent interview “We’re on the verge of a sexual revolution; masturbation is no longer looked down upon in our society, in another decade cybersex could be the same way.” He argues unabashedly that masturbation is a necessary part of sexual development, and although there’s is a significant risk for addiction, cybersexual play allows people access to a safe and typically healthy method of experimentation. As cybersex becomes more sophisticated and immersive, it could continue to build on this growing medium of sexual experimentation, and create a new brand of social deviants like Josey and Reg Barclay with a less traditional sexual preference.

Pleasure, although not always sexual in nature, seems to be the major motivator in non-violent applications of VR. Dr. Bruce Blumberg, head of the Media Laboratory at MIT, developed a new sort of VR application in 1999 called “Silas.” Silas is the name of a dog created in yet another immersive computer generated world, this one much more sophisticated than that predecessors. Users can interact with an enormous variety of objects in this virtual world, but none are so complex and interactive as Silas T. Dog, who displays all the intense emotional needs and behaviors as a real dog. If the user pays attention to the hampster, Silas becomes jealous and tries to redirect their attention. If the user abuses the animal, it shrinks out of sight and will be reluctant to approach the user until trust is restored. Here’s a completely different type of application of virtual reality grounded in research, which finds it’s funding necessitated through social psychology. Silas, while appearing like another video game, is far from just another form of interactive entertainment. The user quickly understands this when they hold still for too long and the dog loses interest, or when the user pretends to throw the ball and quickly hides it behind their back and watches the dog scramble to discover the discrepancy, then returns to the user with curiosity. Silas exhibits intelligent behavior, the same seen in real animals, and although the graphics transmitted to the user haven’t reached the immersive authenticity of a Holodeck simulation, the latent social interaction between the user and the program feels no different than the user interacting with a real dog.

Silas represents the newest offspring of technological trends of the new millenium: artificial intelligence. Again gaming platforms are making development practical by sponging funds from special interest investors to perpetuate their research, and again the game industry represents only the very tip of the iceburg. The MIT robotics lab is making major headway in the area of cognitive science by using social interaction with their heuristic machines. “Kismet,” a talking head robot fully equipped with facial expressions and programmed for interactive response requires a technician to supply social stimulation on a regular basis, otherwise it’s working memory slowly fills up with useless data, weakening the desired responses they’ve worked so hard to elicit from the machine. The system that makes up Kismet’s senses allows it to observe and imitate the behavior of others, and although it’s brain is only barely beginning to show the signs of a refined “intelligence,” it exhibits the genuine appearance of interactive personality similar to that of Silas, except Kismet exerts it’s augmented personality into an existing reality, and Silas requires augmented reality in order to exert it’s personality.

AI personalities like Kismet require the interaction of real people in order to learn, which brings us to the final redemptive application of VR: virtual sensation. The same equipment needed to help real people like Reg experience things that they normally couldn’t experience, undistinguishable sensation leading to positive responses that normally wouldn’t exist, can be used inward on the same technology that helped make it possible, and maybe eventually make it better. Kismet and Silas may be two artificial personalities which are very healthy for each other. After all, how many possible scenarios could a small talking head in a laboratory experience? In a virtual world robots like Kismet can experience unlimited opportunities, and therefore create a world of responses without physical limits. Reg Barclay, the fictional holodeck addict, eventually overcame his addiction by finding confidence grounded in achievements in the real world after which his character faded quickly to the background, until he reappeared many seasons later when the ship encountered a strange alien race which threatened the entire crew, Reg stepped up to the task of being a hero and used the holodeck in extremely inventive ways which used virtual reality as a medium for manipulating the ship’s computer.

Reingold, Howard: Virtual Reality (1991. New York: W.H. Freeman & Co.)

Blumberg, B: Old Tricks, New Dogs (1996. PhD Dissertation, Mass. Institute of Technology lab.)

Simon Julier, Dennis Brown, Yohan Balliot, Lawrence Rosenblum: Augmented Reality as an Example of a Demanding Human-Centered System (EC/NSF Advanced Research Workshop, 1-4 June 1999.)

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Batman the Dark Knight Review · 566 days ago

The Dark Knight

I can do this, and I’m not even high. I dont need to be high to write about or watch this 2 1/2 hour thrill ride: the second installment of the new Batman trilogy: The Dark Knight. This one deserved a review to say the least. I’m not going to do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do and freak out! In fact, you may be surprised about more than a few things I say about this movie, the first “thing” being that this movie is alot too long for my taste. Even If you aren’t a big fan of comic books, Batman, Heath Ledger, splosions, all that doesn’t matter. The Dark Knight brings to you to the very basics of DC brand, Biblical style storytelling: Hero vs. Villain. While the medium and mode remains true to the first installment, Batman Begins, a fresh new perspective on the Gotham Police Department introduces engrossing new elements and characters inaccessible by its predecessor. In addition: as the movie title indicates, The Dark Knight holds true to the stereotypical 2nd act of traditional theater, in which the condundrum reaches its absolute pinnacle, leaving audiences biting their nails in anticipation for the finale. It is certainly Dark, dark like Dikembe Mutumbo dark. As district attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) succinctly puts it “The night is darkest just before the dawn.” Lets examine.

If you didn’t already know. Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is a rich tycoon, the heir of Wayne Enterprises, who carts around ballin hot babes in his Maserati by day, but at night he uses his wealth and influence in a very different way: he fights crime. How does he do it? With his alter-ego: the Batman. When Bruce was a young boy he was playing in the garden behind his father’s mansion and fell down a sinkhole and into an underground cave. There he was the unfortunate witness to a cavalcade of frightened bats, who in turn: seriously frightened him. His parents were killed shortly by a robber named Joe Chill in an unfortunate mugging gone awry (or did it?), and Bruce Wayne swore to use his inherited power and influence to avenge their death. With his surly British butler Alfred (Michael Cane) and his resourceful inventor Luscious Fox (Morgan Freeman), and a powerful conglomerate corporation at his fingertips, Batman/Bruce Wayne sets out for justice in Gotham City, mothafuckin vigilante style. WHAM!

The story begins at a sea change in Gotham. An evil crime syndicate led by gangster Salvatore Maroni (Eric Roberts) finally seems to be within the reach of the legal system. The gung-ho district attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) has such a strangle hold on Moroni’s gang there’s more than a few upstart zoot suits after his scalp. Batman cant just sit this one out. Even though he and everyone else knows Dent’s got this one covered, there’s what we call a “Mole” or two or twenty or fifty within the Gotham PD. Just as detective Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), in a bold co-op with Harvey Dent, is about to seal the deal: someone tips off Maroni. His accountant flies the coop out of the country with all that dirty skrilla these G’s use to make their evil little world’s go round. So Batman sets out on a little vacation to bring back this dirty accountant and bring down Maroni’s little corner store crime syndicate for good.

Sounds pretty cut and dry right? No Mr. Clean, theres a twist. Aha! Suddenly a “new” character emerges. One of Maroni’s biggest enemies offers him a truce and an incredible deal. Not just any deal: he offers to kill the Batman, who every Hat in Gotham knows will inevitably bring down everything Maroni has worked so hard to achieve. This “new” character is The Joker (Heath Ledger) a truly twisted, obsessive, psychopath who seems to absorb pleasure from any and all chaos which happens around him. His name comes not only from his cavalier demeanor and jolly existence in the face of death and destruction, but also because a smile has somehow been permanently sliced into his face, leaving disfiguring scars which he decorates with clown makeup.

With both sides of the board set, the battle for Gotham city begins, and The Joker immediately puts the Batman in check. Wanna-be vigilantes who dress like Batman (wearing spraypainted hockey pads) begin to fear for their lives first, then the small fish mobsters and mormons (including Maroni and his thugs). Before long, no citizen of Gotham is safe, not even the police force can protect them. Hell, even the police are afraid to leave their homes. The finger inevitably points back at Batman himself, after all: he brought this whole god awful mess about to begin with when he started this war of the masked crazy people, right? Will the people of Gotham give in to this psychotic terrorists demands? Can the Batman really protect them in this seemingly endless war against an invisible opposition? You will be shocked and genuinely entertained when these and more questions are answered. But I’m not going to answer them here, you’ll have to see it yourself.

Lets get down to brass tacks. Was this a good movie? Yes I think it was. There’s very few things the creators of this amazing film (Johnathan and Christopher Nolan) did wrong, but so many wonderful things they did right. As far as comic book interpretations go: this movie hits closer to the mark than any other comic book movie in existence. Ie. The Joker: his entire body was not white like the comic book version, he didn’t utilize the same green hair and eyebrows the original did, he didn’t even swing a cane or necessarily even stand or move like the comic book version. So why do I call this a perfect interpretation? Because the designers of this character looked into what the original designer intended when they created the joker. A disturbing, scary clown devoid entirely of fear and remorse. Thats the part Heath Ledger played, he was able to instill those same emotions into the audience that the original character did in the comic books, using scarcely similar methods. His insanity is so admirably powerful, it becomes his strength. He doesn’t even need the kindof muscle power and skills Batman has because he has no fucking conscience whatsoever. As soon as he is left alone with a man or woman of weaker demeanor he instantly enslaves their mind like a juggernaut prison inmate enslaves a new arrival’s but thole.

Lets shift focus off the Joker and go to Two Face aka Harvey Dent. Another true embodiment of the comic book archetype. A character so cleverly played and well written he may as well been the star of the fucking movie, I shit you not. According to Jim Gordon, the boys down at the precinct called Dent “Two Face” because of the way he was able to sweet talk the citizens, then in his next breath brutally pursue his enemies by any means necessary. This is all before he becomes his alter ego with the face that looks so gross and so cool that its really hard to even look at. One point in the movie Dent is so desperate for answers he pulls a suspect aside and points a gun to his head, flips a coin “heads: you die, tails: you live.” Mind you, this is the same man the newspaper call “Gotham’s White Knight.” You, the audience eventually realize that Dent was actually Two Face all along, but it required him to lose everything, to fall completely from grace and into the depths of emotional hell to finally realize his purpose in life: To live or die at any moment based entirely on chance. Like the Joker, his uncontrollable nature and sheer insanity alone gives him his power.

You dont really have to love the comic book to love this movie either. Batman brings along his usual array of new gadgetry, which is his trademark. The writing is so full of miniature story arcs which run in and out of each other so categorically and thoughtfully its almost beyond the level of graphic novel, and into the realm of novel novel. Some of these miniature stories within the stories are a bit repetitive and dry, almost inserted as some sort of novelty or tribute. And while the movie as a whole is grossly entertaining and packed with the perfect mix of love, hatred, combat, technical jargon, sympathy, ambiguity, helplessness and hope, the delicate balance of that mix hinges more and more on the reaction of its less important characters to the actions of our more important characters. Ie. the citizens of Gotham are a little too easily manipulated at times by the Joker to be believable, but thats just necessary for the story to come full circle, and its well worth it! For example: The police officers themselves so quickly turn on their once honored protector: The Batman, and its almost like a 5 minute turnaround from “love him” to “fuck him!” Its entirely necessary to the plot, but entirely unbelievable at the same time. Even Batman at one point crosses the line between “protector” and “big brother” then jumps back into his ethical jammies as quickly as he got out of the pool. These things kindof sucked, but were easy to overlook when you look at the movie as a whole.

The next Batman movie will be under incredible pressure not to suck. The first two movies have been so impressive, and created such an amazing buzz that I’m almost positive it will go in a negative direction. At some points during this movie I even LOL’d, it was written so well. There still were some fight scenes in this movie but not as many and not as cool as the ones in Batman Begins. Its like the first one was Ninja Turtles and this one was Law and Order on speed. The Rachael Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal) character really sucked and SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT ~~I’m glad the bitch is dead~~ SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT. Sorry I had to do that but you know we take pride here in ruining some, but not all, of the good parts for you.

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The Nile Can Be a Real Bitch · 581 days ago

Ancient Egypt once had two territories, the upper side and the lower side. If you were from the upper side you didnt fuck with dudes from the lower side because they would shoot your ass with short bows or cut you up with long handled copper axes, they didnt fuck around. Then there was this dude called Narmer who was so bad he took over both sides using smart desert warfare. When he dominated all of Egypt he was like “I’m the king you bitches so the next person who throws a punch is goin down!” The people loved it because there was no more fighting, and they built him a huge dam at the Nile and a city called Memphis. This city was awesome.

For 29 generations Narmers bloodline controlled the game in Egypt. His sons sons would be like “My great grandma had sex with God which makes me the great grandson of God so bow down!“ and the people did. Each city had its own God which was more sacred than the other gods and the most sacred god was the one that had sex with the Kings mom or whatever. The God Osiris was this fucked up God of the underworld who took care of all the afterlife shit. Egyptians thought that they couldnt go on to the next life unless their body was all clean and neat and smellin fresh and shit.

People were all obsessed about this God Osiris. They even started this twisted religious cult and set up base 300 miles from Memphis at a temple called Abydos. 300 miles seems like a long way but if you just get out of Memphis and hop on a boat and ride the Nile you can make it like nobodys business. While youre floating along on your way to the temple some other boats come and and theyre like “Hey you wanna buy this goat?” and you be like “Fuck your goat bitch I eat pork!” Then just like the ice cream man the pork boat comes sailin up and you buy a pig to sacrifice or whatever. These dudes got paid pretty good. Then this other beat up boat comes up and some old ladys like cmon man gimme a quarter. And you start rowing all quick.

At the temple itself the first ever conducted mortuary rituals were going down. Peoples guts were being pulled out through their butholes and their brains through their nostrils. Sometimes if the dead dude was important they would kill all his servants and leave the bodies next to his so they could get his tea and valet his chariot in the afterlife and shit. After they pulled out the guts they fill the gap with cotton balls and bandages, paint the face all pretty and put some accessories on them like noserings or whatever before they put them in this ancient Tupperware to keep the body from getting moldy and gross. The family would come along and leave food, toys and money.

After a while they were putting all kinds of crazy shit in the Mastabas, chambers of the pharaohs and rich citizens, like dead dogs, best friends and beer, until finally they started realizing it was kind of fucked up so they made figurines of people and dogs and left them in there instead. The priests were like “Thats good food going to waste right there!” and theyd go in and eat the food the families left for the dead people before it went bad. Then they would enjoy the beer with their meal because they were all about that shit back then. At night thugs would come around and try and rob the shit from the rich familys dead relatives so the priests were making haunted houses and shit to protect the money. They hid the shit in mazes and set up all kinds of booby traps like some Indiana Jones type shit.

Almost 500 years after Narmer, his great, great, great, great, great grandson Djoser in 2600 BC started building the biggest Mastaba ever so everyone would think he was a major badass when he died. Stone was all over the place but not enough trees, so everything was being built with stone except ships and shit like that. At that time the pyramids, called “step pyramids“ like the ones built by King Imhotep were totally weak, just a bunch of stone blocks stacked on each other, but King Sneferu changed all that when he built the real deal which looked tight as hell, all smooth on the sides and called it a “true pyramid.“ These Kings, also called “Pharoah“ controlled the entire game in Egypt, they were worshipped like Gods had major tasks and responsibilities, they were businessmen, politicians and sometimes just assholes. If some shit came up like a dude stepped on his neighbor’s pet cat and there was no law the pharaoh would just make one up right there and thatd be the law from then on. Every year the King had to put on this weird play that the previous Kings spirit was supposed to be like one of the main characters or some shit.

The Pharaoh was such a badass that he had mobs of people working under him to do all his bitch work. Each rank carried a lot of respect in the community, but nobody was as badass as the pharaoh and the pharaoh made sure all the people knew who was pulling the strings. The Vizier was the pharaohs first counselor and sheriff. This dude also was the highest commander of the pharaohs armies and judge of the highest courts, he also had to go around and collect tax money. Then below the Vizier was the Chancellor who basically just talked a lot of shit and didnt lift a damn finger but was rich or whatever and had some clout. The lowest bitches in the bureaucracy were the Nomarchs, these dudes were true gangsters who governed the cities and sometimes were like “fuck off pharaoh!” so the pharaoh would be like “what?” and roll in with all his armies and shit. But mostly they were too pussy to fuck around with the big dudes.

If you were living in this nice little house by the river and you have all this nice weather and your crops were kicking ass youd see the Vizier coming around for his taxes and youd be like “Oh shit“ because they taxed you depending on how good your crops did. That was how the King ran his shit. If you were a peasant life totally sucked, youd have to do the pharaohs bullshit pyramid building work during the fall when the crops were underwater because of the high river water, then during winter when the waters went back down youd work your ass off in the fields planting crops, and then when spring came around your ass was right back in the fields pulling up those damn crops so that the pharaoh could come along and be like “Yoink! Thanks for the crops bitch!” and hed take a really good cut from your stash right then.

Of course while the poor adults were out breaking their backs in the fields the little kids were at school learning their shit so they could grow up to be something better than peasants or soldiers. School costed a shitload so if your family wasnt pretty loaded you were out of luck. Your dad would put you on this weird home school shit and make you count radishes while you planted them, if you even had a dad. The luckier kids learned this comic book language called “Hieratic“ and since Egypt had so much of these reeds growing on the Nile these lucky kids even got to write on real paper. The schoolmaster would be asking you a question and if you werent paying attention he would beat the shit out of you with a fucking whip.

These same teachers that whipped the little kids were usually the priests who ran the temples. The pharaohs didnt like to fuck with the priests business because they knew that the priests had power over the public who were a bunch of paranoid motherfuckers. They did some weird religious shit, and regular dudes didnt hang out with the priests because they were supposed to be all magical and shit. They really didnt teach the students a lot besides worship this and worship that, maybe some art and how to mind their shit like good little kids. Only the Chief priests could actually go into the temples and do their religious shit, there werent a lot of these guys. Then there were Astrologists and musicians and scribes and other artsy fartsy dudes who didnt have much political power but they were good at something so they ate better and held more respect than the lowly dog ass clergymen who just sat there in their little costumes burning incense and acting all stupid like singing and shit. These weak-ass clergy dudes only worked one month a year and didnt get paid shit.

Most priests believed there were two heavens: a ritzy, silver coated heaven for the rich scallywags, then some northern Vegas motel heaven for the poor. They also thought the body had a spirit that leaves it when it dies called the “AKH“ then supposedly this spirit goes to heaven and becomes a star. Then it can turn into a fucking bird or something and come back to the body with the “BA“, or “soul“, whenever it wants. The living people who give offerings to the dead give the soul its “KA” which is like a refill on gas for the soul so it can keep making these trips. Next to the dead body was a little statue that was supposed to keep the body going.

By 2000 BC the Pharaohs were doing business with other countries bringing in wood and everything else they needed and selling papyrus, crops and rare materials. Pet midgets were a hot item in any rich Egyptian household. The Pharaoh was making bank off of this trade shit but the people eventually took matters into their own hands, doing some freelance shit. King Pepy II watched his kingdom turn to shit in 2250 BC when a famine came in after a huge Nile flood had destroyed entire villages. Shit turned ugly real quick and people started looting trying to get some food, but the Nomarchs had it all because they had gotten to be almost as rich and badass as the King himself. Suddenly the government started smacking around the people trying to keep it real, but the mob was relentless.

Then there was this dude called Mantuhotpe II who was like “fuck this shit” and he walked into Memphis with his pet thugs and took over control of Egypt. He kept it together for a while but his great grandsons couldnt make it happen, shit started getting worse as time went on. The new pyramids were being built from stones theyd ganked from the older pyramids and the government was broke as a damn joke. King Sesostris II tried to turn the economy around by building an artificial river in a natural canyon almost 300 feet wide to open up new trade routes. It worked pretty good and they started trading a lot more with far off countries like Palestine and Crete. In 1785 BC the worst floods yet hit Egypt, and the upper and lower halves started getting up in eachothers face again.

North of Egypt was the Nubians, East was the Bedouins, and to the West the Lybians. All of these dudes were like “Fuck you Egypt!” and they constantly fought. Now that the country was weak with civil unrest and stupid Nile floods the raids by enemies got worse and shit was crazy. The Pharaoh took prisoners of war and put them on the front lines to fight for Egypt, most of them wouldve died under the fucked up prison conditions anyway. The country couldnt afford to finance a kick-ass full-time army and their weapons were fucking weak. Egyptian soldiers wore little cloth hats and a loincloth and fought with wooden spears with copper tips. Their bows were so pussy that they had to be shoot them at close range along with rock slings and throwing axes. Forget helmets, shoes, shields, armor or any of that shit, these fuckers were lucky to have underwear. They eventually got their asses kicked when these Asian Hyskos dudes came in with chariots in 1650 BC and were like “Yoink!” and that was that.

Next time: The Babylonian Court System.

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Rotten Musicians +20 Broadsword · 588 days ago

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Skills 4 Life: Standing Still · 595 days ago

Hello there again, it’s your old buddy Cybomantis. People move around all the time. Short people, tall people, short people who are short because they’ve lost their legs, and tall people who are shorter because they lost their legs but are still taller; they all move around. But what happens when people don’t move around? Do they keep moving? Or is it something completely different? In this edition of Skills 4 Life, we’re going to learn all about the art of Standing Still, which determines your career, your future mate, or whether you live or die in a crisis.

Standing skill became popular in the early 90s around the time when I was born. I remember watching my father. He would stand in the kitchen, completely still. This went on until I was a teenager, when I noticed something different, Dad wasn’t standing in the kitchen anymore. Mom divorced him, and then he would stand in his apartment at the Wasatch Club from then on. Mom said he was the best there ever was at standing still. I don’t think mom was jealous, she was just afraid that one day he’d start moving. Women hate men that move around all the time. That’s what I read in John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

How is standing still important to you? Maybe you should listen to the talented singer Jewel explain it for herself in her billboard smash, awesometastic hit “Standing Still”:

“Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
Between fight and flight is the blind man’s sight and the choice that’s right
I roll the window down, feel like I’m gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down, I feel broken down

Do you need me, like I need you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?”

Anybody who’s not totally stupid can see what Jewel is trying to say: that standing still is the only way to get people with fast-paced lives to notice you. And that if you go to a strange town you should stand still, otherwise you could drown or your car will break down, and the list goes on and on. I found Jewel’s email address and asked her what are some of the ways that young people can learn to stand still like the pros. Her response may shock you:

“Hi. This is the qmail-send program at mx1.seekio.com.
I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out.”

Standing still dates back to even the time of the Old testament. “Joshua 6:26 At that time Joshua invoked this curse ‘May the curse of the Lord fall on anyone who tries to rebuild the city of Jericho. At the cost of his firstborn son, he will lay his foundation. At the cost of the youngest son, he will set up his gates.’” Wow, even God himself doesn’t want people to move around, but isn’t moving around alot better for you than standing still? No way Jose, here’s why.

In your body are little tiny things called “cells” and these little “cells” are constantly changing. They divide and multiply all the time, they never stand still. So what happens if you move around all the time? That means your “cells” have to work twice as hard, which means you need more sugar. The problem is that if you drink too much sugar, your “reproductive cells” start working too much, which is why you “premature ejaculation” all the time. So the best way to avoid drinking too much mountain dew is to “standing still” more often, because according to John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, women don’t like guys who always “premature ejaculation” all the time.

I won’t lie to you, standing still isn’t always easy. It requires mental focus, determination, looking at things from a different perspective, being able to alter your point of view, and seeing things in a different light. It takes determination, devotion and sticking to your guns to make work. First, you need to clear your mind, don’t think about anything, that will only make things worse. Try and imagine about what having sex with a girl someday will be like, and you’ll quickly become lost in thoughtless nirvana. Don’t think about whats on your mind, just stop thinking and start imagining, but don’t consciously realize that you’re doing it, just sortof do it automatically, just like “premature ejaculation.” This will make you go into a Zen like state and you can literally float away from your body which John Gray describes in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as “Zen-like” which is the state you want to be in at this point.

Don’t look at anything! This is a common mistake that amatuers make. Paying attention to things will bring you out of your Zen-like state, and into a sortof regular-like state where you actually remember things, which you absolutely DO NOT WANT TO DO! If you find yourself looking at something, DONT PANIC! This will only make the memories of the past even more vivid, to the point where you can almost feel your piano instructor’s abuse. If this happens, simply relax and try to remember the phrase “I hate myself” and repeat it several times until Mr. Peterson’s face disappears from the object your looking at.

Immediately people will recognize your obvious change of lifestyle. Upon seeing your impressive new skill they might compliment you “Is anything wrong Cybo?” or “Everything Okay Cybo?” or even “Cybo, you doin alright?” and you’ll be able to answer with confidence this time! Remember that not everyone is naturally gifted at standing still on their own, you may experience some fanaticism from your parents, who may never truly understand the skill themselves, but will always envy you.

About the author:
John Erickson, aka: Cybomantis, is the self published author of Skills 4 Life Office Depot Copy and Print Center Salt Lake City, Ut. 2005, a book that helps young people deal with a complicated, ever changing world. His characteristic observations set him apart early in life when he was removed from public school and put in a fast-paced technological home school program that emphasized the visuo-spatial learning patterns found in such games as Ernie’s Magic Shapes and Burger-Time. John’s quest to help young people through the toughest time of their life was first inspired by his own father’s struggle with the corrupt State child support recovery services, which he wrote about in his own self published book I Want My Kids Back! Kinkos copies, Magna UT. 2004. For a free copy of either John or his dad’s highly acclaimed book contact Jgreathouse@saltlakemusic.com.

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