saltlakemusic
Skills 4 Life: Standing Still · Jul 23, 05:53 PM
Hello there again, it’s your old buddy Cybomantis. People move around all the time. Short people, tall people, short people who are short because they’ve lost their legs, and tall people who are shorter because they lost their legs but are still taller; they all move around. But what happens when people don’t move around? Do they keep moving? Or is it something completely different? In this edition of Skills 4 Life, we’re going to learn all about the art of Standing Still, which determines your career, your future mate, or whether you live or die in a crisis.
Standing skill became popular in the early 90s around the time when I was born. I remember watching my father. He would stand in the kitchen, completely still. This went on until I was a teenager, when I noticed something different, Dad wasn’t standing in the kitchen anymore. Mom divorced him, and then he would stand in his apartment at the Wasatch Club from then on. Mom said he was the best there ever was at standing still. I don’t think mom was jealous, she was just afraid that one day he’d start moving. Women hate men that move around all the time. That’s what I read in John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
How is standing still important to you? Maybe you should listen to the talented singer Jewel explain it for herself in her billboard smash, awesometastic hit “Standing Still”:
“Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
Between fight and flight is the blind man’s sight and the choice that’s right
I roll the window down, feel like I’m gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down, I feel broken down
Do you need me, like I need you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?”
Anybody who’s not totally stupid can see what Jewel is trying to say: that standing still is the only way to get people with fast-paced lives to notice you. And that if you go to a strange town you should stand still, otherwise you could drown or your car will break down, and the list goes on and on. I found Jewel’s email address and asked her what are some of the ways that young people can learn to stand still like the pros. Her response may shock you:
“Hi. This is the qmail-send program at mx1.seekio.com.
I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out.”
Standing still dates back to even the time of the Old testament. “Joshua 6:26 At that time Joshua invoked this curse ‘May the curse of the Lord fall on anyone who tries to rebuild the city of Jericho. At the cost of his firstborn son, he will lay his foundation. At the cost of the youngest son, he will set up his gates.’” Wow, even God himself doesn’t want people to move around, but isn’t moving around alot better for you than standing still? No way Jose, here’s why.
In your body are little tiny things called “cells” and these little “cells” are constantly changing. They divide and multiply all the time, they never stand still. So what happens if you move around all the time? That means your “cells” have to work twice as hard, which means you need more sugar. The problem is that if you drink too much sugar, your “reproductive cells” start working too much, which is why you “premature ejaculation” all the time. So the best way to avoid drinking too much mountain dew is to “standing still” more often, because according to John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, women don’t like guys who always “premature ejaculation” all the time.
I won’t lie to you, standing still isn’t always easy. It requires mental focus, determination, looking at things from a different perspective, being able to alter your point of view, and seeing things in a different light. It takes determination, devotion and sticking to your guns to make work. First, you need to clear your mind, don’t think about anything, that will only make things worse. Try and imagine about what having sex with a girl someday will be like, and you’ll quickly become lost in thoughtless nirvana. Don’t think about whats on your mind, just stop thinking and start imagining, but don’t consciously realize that you’re doing it, just sortof do it automatically, just like “premature ejaculation.” This will make you go into a Zen like state and you can literally float away from your body which John Gray describes in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as “Zen-like” which is the state you want to be in at this point.
Don’t look at anything! This is a common mistake that amatuers make. Paying attention to things will bring you out of your Zen-like state, and into a sortof regular-like state where you actually remember things, which you absolutely DO NOT WANT TO DO! If you find yourself looking at something, DONT PANIC! This will only make the memories of the past even more vivid, to the point where you can almost feel your piano instructor’s abuse. If this happens, simply relax and try to remember the phrase “I hate myself” and repeat it several times until Mr. Peterson’s face disappears from the object your looking at.
Immediately people will recognize your obvious change of lifestyle. Upon seeing your impressive new skill they might compliment you “Is anything wrong Cybo?” or “Everything Okay Cybo?” or even “Cybo, you doin alright?” and you’ll be able to answer with confidence this time! Remember that not everyone is naturally gifted at standing still on their own, you may experience some fanaticism from your parents, who may never truly understand the skill themselves, but will always envy you.
About the author:
John Erickson, aka: Cybomantis, is the self published author of Skills 4 Life Office Depot Copy and Print Center Salt Lake City, Ut. 2005, a book that helps young people deal with a complicated, ever changing world. His characteristic observations set him apart early in life when he was removed from public school and put in a fast-paced technological home school program that emphasized the visuo-spatial learning patterns found in such games as Ernie’s Magic Shapes and Burger-Time. John’s quest to help young people through the toughest time of their life was first inspired by his own father’s struggle with the corrupt State child support recovery services, which he wrote about in his own self published book I Want My Kids Back! Kinkos copies, Magna UT. 2004. For a free copy of either John or his dad’s highly acclaimed book contact Jgreathouse@saltlakemusic.com.
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